Week Four Reflection
Nearing a month of self-isolation and social distancing, I think it’s about time I write a reflection. So far, I’ve avoided writing this because I’m not exactly sure how I feel about all of this. My feelings fluctuate by the day, the hour, and the minute. My daily inner thoughts go a bit like this: I’m doing fine today. Okay, maybe I’m not fine. But, I don’t have any reason to not be fine. Alright, I’m really not okay. Actually, I’m doing great right now. Nevermind. I’m stuck in a constant battle between feeling like everything is normal and being stressed out. But, then I feel guilty that I’m stressed because I’m safe and healthy. I don’t deserve to feel stressed.
And, I have to say, things aren’t that difficult right now. I haven’t gotten sick of watching movies or sitting on the couch. I’m not bored of the food because my dad and I have been cooking elaborate meals every day. I haven’t missed social interaction too much. Things are relatively okay for how scary the coronavirus is.
But, if I’m honest with myself, I know the coronavirus is having an affect on me. Although I’m not sick, there is a constant fear that my family or I might become sick soon. I kind of feel like I am constantly waiting for something. Like there is something horrible just waiting to happen; it’s just around the corner.
I feel like this situation scares me because I’m a planner; a list maker. But, this situation isn’t one that I can just write out in pretty bullet points. I can’t map out any next steps because I have no clue what my next steps even are. Something I really need in my life is control, and I feel like most of that is gone right now.
I also feel like my uncertainty is caused by a lack of closure for this school year. I have prepared myself to not be able to go to school again before summer break. But, this acceptance has made me upset that I wasn’t able to properly say goodbye to the school year. Leaving school on that fateful Friday, no one really expected this. I wasn’t even sure if they would call off school, and I never imagined we would stay home past two weeks. I said goodbye to a few friends for the weekend, but not for the rest of the school year.
I never got to hug all my friends goodbye, especially my Senior friends. I might not even be able to see them again. I never got to say goodbye to my teachers or the theatre stage that I spend so much time on. I never got to say goodbye to junior year and prepare to become a senior. I never got to do my spring play or watch white dress day. Luckily, I know that I will be able to come back to school next year, but I’m not mentally prepared to wait that long.
So, overall, I feel both normal and stressed. In this time of uncertainty, that is what most people’s emotions boil down too. Maybe in the future, this will feel more normal or more stressful, but it’s a little of both right now. But, who knows what the future holds.